A JOURNEY TO WHATEVER'S NEXT

Random thoughts as I figure out how to make my dreams come true…


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Neverland

Thank God it doesn’t exist. I used to dream about it as a child and then I wished for it during my early adult years. Now that I’m older (and I’ve just spent about a week with a teenager) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would not want to stay young forever.

Especially if I’m being hunted by pirates.


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Ode to Atreyu

I knew that I identified as a straight female at a very young age. I was maybe 6 or 7 years old when I fell in love with a much older man. He was brave and proud and everything a first grader could possibly want. He was the proud Indian warrior who bore the Auryn symbol on his partially bare chest. This was a very big deal to lil’ ol’ me. His name was ATREYU and I wanted to be Mrs. Atreyu. His hair was always gently blowing in the wind with flawless victory and his smile was luminous.

I felt Atreyu’s pain deeply when he lost poor Artax and his triumph when he defeated Gamork.downloadHATH127

It was only recently that I realized that THE NEVERENDING STORY and the as-sexy-as-you-can-possibly-get-as-a-child Atreyu shaped my taste in men. Since childhood I’ve mostly been attracted to a certain type: dark eyes, long dark hair and soulfully boyish puppy dog charm. So here’s to you Atreyu (Noah Hathaway) and the men and boys I crushed on because of you.

HUZZZAH

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P. S. Yes, Tommy the Green/White/Red Ranger (Jason David Frank) is up there twice. My love for him was REAL.


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My Dreams are valid…

“No matter where you’re from, your dreams are valid.” -Lupita N’yongo, Academy Award Winner for Best Supporting Actress

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***This post is dedicated to Jenna, who dreams like me and has chased them to Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nsR3SJMc8Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eF9jkZ8PJFQ

I dream. I dream vividly and often. I can still smell the things I saw last night when my eyes were closed and my mind drifted so

                                             Very

                                                            Far

                                                                           Away. The tastes of my dreams entice me. Entrap me. Entwine me in the entanglements of a life lived in parallel. I see without knowing and hope without showing a morsel of doubt. Til the light creeps in and overtakes me. This battlefield between dreams and waking forces me to choose reality over desire, and warmth over the cold comforts of knowing you have everything you’ve ever wanted but         it’s          not         real. I digress. I dive. I plunge into the depths of my psyche where the tangible intangibles beckon me to find peace and safety and love but. IT’S. NOT. REAL. The sounds of the laughter of the children I never had haunt me. Ghoulish thoughts of biological clocks ticking—Ticked out of time remind me that I’m getting older and last night’s visions of middle school romances, high school crushes and a young girl’s fantasies are long gone because they are all married now and somehow you’ve found a way to get over them but the days of futures past confuse and shatter the dreams long forgotten of hopes long gone begotten.

I dream. I dream vividly and in color. I sleep in blue. Blue like the Night Sky’s reflection in the oceans so deep and wide. Blue like the Morning Seas reflected in skies so vast and beautiful. Blue like her dress that was supposed to be my dress when she won her first Oscar that I wanted to be mine. Blue like the baby girl she named that I can never have because she had it first. Blue like the way I feel when I mourn the father I never had and the grandmother who no longer remembers my name which was her second name first which I hope to pass on to my first daughter and make her the

                                                                                       Second

                                                                                                         Of

                                                                                                                      Me. And she will be Blue like my favorite color that flows through my being and brings me Joy and makes me remember. It makes me refresh. It makes me dream wondrous and terrible things.

I dream. I dream vividly and often and in color.

M


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Adventures in BusRiding: PICK-UP LINES

So, I ride the bus. It’s not as bad as you think. Also, it’s an excellent tool for acting because observing people and how they interact is the best acting education no money can buy. Haha. While you are trying to figure out what I just wrote, I am going to let you in on the top 3 pick-up lines I’ve heard on the bus.

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1. “Wanna come to my son’s birthday party?” This guy would not stop talking. I was just trying to be polite and nice. He asked me to go have a drink with him and I was like sorry I can’t, I’m on a way to a meeting. Then he said, “Well if you’re not doing anything tomorrow, you should come to my son’s birthday party.” I was shocked and immediately had WAITING TO EXHALE flashbacks. Seriously guy??? When I said no, he said, “…but he’s 9…” Um, was that supposed to sweeten the deal? Oh, did I mention he started the conversation by letting me know he worked at a marijuana dispensary and could “hook me up”???

2. “I can tell you are a woman.” Extra, Extra! In case you didn’t know, I was born and still currently live my life as a woman. This dude walks onto the bus and of all the empty seats on a barely filled bus; he sits right down next to me. He tells me I’m really pretty and compliments how small my hands are. *Side Eye* I should have known something was off. Anyway, he informs me that he could tell that I was a woman because I didn’t have an Adam’s apple and I had small hands. Oh and then he proceeds to tell me how he was on the bus weeks prior hitting on a woman until he realized that he was talking to someone born male. I’m guessing by the amount of expletives and crude remarks he made that he was upset that he had been “tricked”. At the end of this very long story, I said the only thing that came to my head with a confused concerned shrug…“I’m sorry?” Well, praise Jesus, my stop was coming up so I then rapidly stood up and as I was leaving he asked for my phone number. This time my answer was more confident. “No, sorry.”

3. “Damn little lady, one day, when you get older, you are gonna be fine.” Verbatim. This was said by a bus driver. It caught me off guard and left me confused. Did he think I was a child? If so…Inappropriate. I mean, I was getting onto the bus behind some high schoolers AND wearing a hoody and a backpack so it’s possible I looked like a minor. But still, I think I look old. AND if he didn’t think I was young, did he mean that I’m not pretty now but I show major potential??? Um, RUDE! Ok, so Mr. Busdriver didn’t actually ask me out, so I guess it doesn’t count as a pick-up line but I wanted to mention it.

These are the ones I think are worth sharing, but just as a wrap-up-bonus to this post, I want to make a public service announcement to men driving cars. DO NOT BEEP OR YELL THINGS AT WOMEN AT BUS STOPS. IT IS CREEPY AND ANNOYING. ESPECIALLY IF YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD BE THEIR GRANDPARENT.

That is all.

p.s. Did I mention my mother met my father when he was driving and she was waiting at a bus stop??? Uggh. Not okay.


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So Like, What do you Do?

I’m an actor. That’s what I do, that’s my main occupation, passion, pursuit and source of income. If you are asking how I spend most of my time, well mostly I do everything I can so that I can act.

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 There’s so much to do all the time and then you have to figure out how to make money when you are having a bad week/month financially. Currently, I am not represented in any way. When I need legal or business advice I ask a former colleague who is a lawyer or my commercial coach. Other than that I am my own publicist, manager, agent, assistant and web designer. It is exhausting. What’s more is that it can be extremely frustrating when people ask, “What do you do all day?” For those who are merely curious, I have no problem explaining. But some people I think imagine me lying in bed all day eating Bon-Bons Peggy Bundy style waiting for the phone to ring. “Not I,” said the Cat, “not I.”